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The Bard of ECFC

About Rob Casey

Rob Casey is the Bard of ECFC, the club’s poet in residence. As a stand-up poet, writer and performer he can often be seen and heard delivering verse and hosting spoken word events across the city and throughout the South West.

As the publicly appointed ‘Bard of Exeter’ in 2016, he was commissioned by the BBC to produce a poem for Devon on National Poetry Day. He has featured on a football podcast and in various publications, also performing with his own band ‘The Least Worst Candidates’. He lectures in Creative and Professional Writing as well as English at Exeter College.

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2019/20 Poems


I don't believe in God
and I don't believe in Santa.
I don't believe in fairies,
but I guess they're harmless banter.

I don't believe in ghosts
and nor the Easter Bunny.
I don't believe conspiracies,
but most of them are funny.

I don't believe in anything
unless it's proven clear.
Though I do believe Matt Taylor's
gonna take us up this year.

I don't believe in aliens.
I don't believe in witches.
I don't believe in pseudoscience,
or blessing football pitches.

I don't believe in curses.
I don't believe in chance.
I don't believe the rain will come
if people do a dance.

I don't believe in superstition,
so say this without fear:
I'm certain, sure that (fingers crossed)
we're going up this year!

Please note that these views not only do not represent Exeter City FC, but do not necessarily even represent the poet either. Peace and love.

Sympathy for Footballers

I have some sympathy for footballers,
honestly, playing four games in ten days
while many are resting or over-indulging,
and they're expected to peak twice a week,
(oh, the cheek of the fixtures)
risking injury from limited recovery.
I have sympathy for footballers, I do.

I have sympathy too, for the ambulance crews,
and the whole NHS, over-stretched,
over-stressed, working multiple shifts
with barely a break, knowing lives are at risk
with every mistake, but they've got to work on,
as there isn't the staff, and they've not given up
hoping this cannot last. No, we can't let it last.
I have sympathy too, for NHS staff.

I have sympathy, also, and yes, maybe more so
for workers where rights and conditions
are poor, but they've no other option
than keep working more, as a job is a job
yetstill many are slaves, exploited and forced
to produce without pay, and the prospect,
the dream of a short holiday is a long haul away.
I have sympathy, also, for them, rather more so.

But sympathy isn't about competition.
We don't cease to struggle when our disposition
is relativised. The comparative guide
to the human condition does nothing
but hide us from full recognition of our case.
Challenges are faced by the whole human race,
even footballers playing 'too many games'.
Yes, they suffer the same. They really do.

And though I feel their pain, it's true,
I still hope it continues too.

Each decade as it comes 

If the universe is 13.8 billion years old
(give or take several million),
Earth 4.6 billion and all life 3.5 billion(ish),
then even in the context of just under
one million years of homo sapiens,
it makes a lot of sense, really,
to take each decade as it comes.

To respect our past, to protect our future,
and still find time to live in the moment,
3,652 days at a time.
And what a time to be alive!
No ice age or deadly meteorites;
humanity's extinction at least
forty more years, hopefully, away.
Truly a time to indulge in some play.

When we were still ooze in primordial soup,
single-celled bacteria, dreaming of being
amoebas, or even, one day,
some multicellular algae,
Exeter City's return to third tier football
was well beyond our imagination,
quite literally, what with us yet
to acquire sentience.

It surely does make sense to celebrate
all the progress that's been made
when we put things in perspective.
Another promotion from League Two
has little to do with the origin of species,
but it's a marathon, not a sprint, after all.
So let's just take each decade as it comes.

All we want for Christmas is you

We don't want a lot for Christmas.
There's just one thing that we need.
We don't care about the presents,
but some points would be quite sweet.
We just love our festive fixtures,
seeing fans fill up the ground.
All the families and friendships,
sharing Christmas joy around.

We just want to see you here,
bringing all your Christmas cheer.
Make our wish come true.
All we want for Christmas is you.

Oh, we won't ask for much this Christmas.
We won't even ask for snow.
We just want to watch some football.
Please don't let it be postponed!
We won't make a list and send it.
Transfer windows, they can wait.
It's a time for our supporters.
You're what makes our Christmas great.

We just want St James Park full.
That would make our yuletide cool.
What more can we do?
All we want for Christmas is you.

Bouncing Back

It’s widely known, this strange but simple tale
about the 'bounce' that follows from a fail,
when football clubs succumb to greener grass
and pick from pastures hoping to surpass
the dip in form as quickly as they can.
In desperate times, they choose a different man.
Results improve, or so it seems short-term,
and thus, the bounce's wisdom is confirmed,
until the new guy fails by same amounts
and fans demand it's time for one more bounce.

There was a club, or so I've heard it told
that played this game, a strategy most bold.
The chairman proudly bobbled twice a year,
announcing that a new boss would appear.
And hence it was, another choice in place.
A different manager. A fresher face.
Or so it seemed, but something wasn't right.
The face was changed, but not in build or height.
The fans and press debated and got wise,
concluding, 'It's the same bloke in disguise!'

The first time it was glasses and a 'tache.
The next time just a wig and nasty rash.
And then a full-on beard and sharp new suit,
with facial birthmark, like a passion fruit.
Each time the look grew more and more bizarre
until it reached the weirdest one by far.
A ginger monobrow and massive teeth,
with pointed goatee dangling underneath,
and elf-like ears, a bit like Star Trek's Spock.
His whole appearance caused a frightful shock.

But when the cover, finally, was blown,
with scepticism also fully grown,
the club, its board and manager came clean.
The gaffer was the same. He'd always been
the same guy who had dipped in form then bounced
as soon as his successor was announced.
Each time their fortunes ebbed and flowed as him.
The same man saw them sink and helped them swim.
And so, it's clear, we simply must admit,
this bounce malarkey’s just a load of dung.



One city. One club.
We've #OneGrecianGoal.
We're #ECFC
and we're on a roll.

We share a belief.
We follow our team.
We look to the future.
A vision. A dream.

Our passion is real.
Our values are clear.
We own our own club.
We grow without fear.

One city. One club.
We've #OneGrecianGoal.
We're #ECFC
and we're in control.

Quite often one goal
wins matches, it's true.
But sometimes as well
just one goal won't do.

So just to be straight,
this 'goal' doesn't mean
we only score once,
despite what it seems.

Our city. Our club.
Our heart and our soul.
Plus scoring at will.
Our #OneGrecianGoal.

A Solution to Brexit

We're a nation divided:
two sides, somewhat tied.
We had a result but
still can't decide,
and we've tried to.
Oh, how we've tried
to find a way through.
Now we face an election
but still, will it do?
This existing system
still keeps us confused.
So, with no constitution,
I suggest a solution.
This is my contribution
I offer to you…

Let's just go to penalties.

No more delays.
No more replays.
Just two teams and twelve yards
from spot kick to goal.
Ten strikers, two keepers
for this country's soul.
And maybe sudden death.
Probably sudden death.
Certainly sudden death, I guess.
Even if the whole squad take one,
it can't last three years, surely?
At some point, eventually,
the tie will be done.
A solution to Brexit?
At least we'll have fun.

Entitled to gloat 

There's a time and place for gloating,
and if you can't remind people
"We beat Argyle 4-0!"
at the next home game,
when can you?

You probably can't
at a wedding,
when invited to speak now
or forever hold your peace.
That isn't the time
and nor the place still
to yell "We beat Argyle 4-0!"

You probably can't
when a police officer informs you
that you have the right to remain silent
but it may harm your defence
if you do not say anything
you may later rely on in court.
That isn't the time
and nor the place still,
to mutter "We beat Argyle 4-0!"

You definitely can't
if your significant other questions you
about the used underwear
they discovered in your coat pocket
not belonging to either of you.
And you absolutely can't
with family gathered around your bed
listening lovingly to your last breath
for a whisper of wisdom,
a sliver of sentiment
on all they have meant
to you throughout your life.

But most other times
and most other places
are completely fine,
because, well,
the truth remains still...
"We well and truly hammered
Argyle 4-0."



James loves to play football
and James loves to win.
He loves playing strangers
as well as his kin.
He loves playing matches
or just down the park.
He loves a good battle
and having a lark.

James loves to play football,
the beautiful game.
He knows that his brother
feels largely the same.
But Janner is older,
has different friends.
He likes to play football
at different ends.

Though sometimes, not often,
they meet up and play -
two brothers together,
united one day
with just one ambition,
a true, common goal:
to beat on their brother,
to take the lead role.

They love playing football
with friends and each other,
but nothing's as perfect
as beating your brother.
The tackles are tasty,
the banter is brutal.
But as sibling rivals
the bragging is crucial.

James loves to play football,
though what he loves most
is playing with Janner
and stopping him boast.
Though sharing is caring
with only one toy,
fraternal ascendance:
there's no greater joy.


Defeat was inevitable
the moment the poet wrote
about being unbeatable,
one match from breaking
a record. All over.

It was practically futile
even trying to fight such fortune
once the words were written,
published in print and proclaimed:
'We cannot lose this game'.
So he accepts all blame.

The temptation now
is to somehow
save the situation,
with equally bold exclamations
of catastrophe: crushing defeats,
multiple injuries, an outbreak
of severe diarrhoea.
But will this engineer
a reversal of luck,
or rather invite the worst?

No poet wants to be a curse,
(no matter how attractive the idea
they might make any difference
whatsoever). However,
it's better to say something.
Maybe a neutral premonition
might well prove a clever mission.

Though anything, just anything
would be far wiser still,
rather than declare, 'This game
is sure to end nil-nil'.


Unbeaten and unbeatable?
We're surely undefeatable.
Unstoppable. Invincible.
Is losing now impossible?

We’re sitting top. Immovable. 
Perhaps we’re unimprovable.
Defeat appears improbable.
We're ever proper-jobable.

Untouchable. Unbreakable.
Our glory's unmistakeable.
Unreachable. Unspeakable.
This form is unbelievable.

Consistently reliable.
Our talent's undeniable.
It's almost inconceivable.
We're so good it's unfeasible.

It's not incomprehensible
that I've stopped being sensible.
We're ten league games unbeaten, so
I'm quite excited. Does it show?


Working Late

Don't worry 'bout my dinner,
dear. I'm working late tonight.
It's likely to be very late.
It wasn't my idea, right?
Well, I didn't plan it.
But I do have to go.
No, I can't get out of it.
I really am

Where? Well, it's scheduled
for St James Park.
Yeah, the football ground.
Of course there's a game on
but I'll be there to see
some clients. Well,
potential clients.
No, I don't know who yet,
but I really need to go
to find out. I said I would.
Not just 'interested',
actually 'going', so they'll be
expecting me.

Look, it's important for work.
For research, really.
Researching potential clients
in case I change jobs
to something which needs me
to have clients.
It's networking. It's crucial.
I'm sure you understand.
I'll try to come in quietly,
I promise, if I can,
as I might well go
for a drink after.
Yes, with my mates.
I'm really going to need it
after working very late.


As Luck Would Have It

I've got my lucky scarf
and I've got my lucky pants.
I've got my lucky trousers
and I've got my lucky hat.
I've got my lucky shoes
and I've got my lucky socks.
I've got my lucky shirt
and I've got my lucky top.

I've got my lucky coat
and it's got my lucky badges.
I've got my lucky gear,
which I always wear to matches,
with all the lucky dirt
and with all the lucky stains.
I wear it all the time
to bring all the luck again.

It doesn't always work
but the truth is now I'm stuck.
I've got myself entrapped.
You could say that's quite bad luck.

Playing to the Whistle

A referee’s technology
has always caused controversy.
This history (I’ll keep it brief)
all starts off with a handkerchief.

Then in the nineteenth century,
the Acme Whistle Company
produced a tool for Met police
to help them with restoring peace.

Well, waving hankies in the air
led referees to much despair,
as hankies (though their strengths abound)
are just no good for making sound.

And so, once it was mass produced
the whistle was then introduced.
Although, official rules weren’t fixed
right up to 1936.

Until that time, for decades still,
a referee could wave at will,
or even, if they wanted to,
they could have blown with a kazoo.

Imagine if they’d played the flute
or strummed a zither or a lute,
a hurdy-gurdy, mandolin,
or pecked around a theremin?

Perhaps for its simplicity
the whistle’s best for referees.
And we can say ‘Oh hallelujah!’
they don’t play the ruddy tuba.


We Go Again

And so we're here, we go again.
Another year, a new campaign.
Another chance, another try
to go one better, certify
that this time we can get it done.
We have the squad to get this won.

There's always change, a page refresh
to be embraced, to be the best.
The stage is set, the cast are primed
to make sure this will be our time.
Yes, some are old, and some are new.
While some are borrowed, some are blooming great.

The season’s here. We know the date.
We go again. We cannot wait.

2018/19 Poems


Pacing the perimeter of my technical area
(between the kettle, cups and cutlery drawer),
my slippers wear at the linoleum.

I watch for the steam, wait for the whistle.
When will it come? I pace some more.

Every opportune move has been made now.
The mug selected - a safe choice;
not the most seasoned campaigner,
but still eager, seen enough
to handle most situations.
The tea bag ready. The sugar measured
with a self-steadied hand.
The milk fresh, waiting to make its impact.

I hear the bubbling, see the steam.
When will the whistle come?

I check the tea bag. Still there.
Check the sugar. Thought I saw it
when I checked the tea bag
but not sure, so… yes, still there.
Milk still on standby.
Your chance soon will come, son.

More waiting. Still April.
So little control.


Easter at Eggseter

Easter at Eggseter’s always eggsciting,
eggsceeding all hope for the time of the year.
The season is reaching its eggspiry, yet
eggsperience tells an eggstension is near.

That eggstra dimension, the play-offs are close.
Eggsactly the drama we’ve learned to eggspect.
Eggstremes of emotion, eggstatic or broken,
eggsemplify all our eggsistence reflects.

Yes, it’s eggscentric, eggscessive, eggshausting.
But also eggsquisite, eggspressive and sweet.
I wouldn’t eggschange it for anything else.
These Easter eggsertions beat chocolate treats.

Easter at Eggseter’s eggshilarating!
Eggstraordinary also, eggsplosive as well!
This eggstravaganza eggsudes satisfaction.
Its eggscellence has us all caught in its spell.

The football’s eggspansive, eggsplicit and fierce.
I love it, oh yes! Now it’s time to eggsclaim,
Easter at Eggseter always eggshibits
eggsceptional fun and a cracking good game!

The Business End

“We’re going to need the forceps.
Thanks. And, hmm...a speculum,
a scalpel…and some calipers.
The cranial drill can maybe wait.
Oh no, no, no, we’re not too late;
the patient’s stable, we can tell,
and is progressing rather well
...for the time being.
So, while we’ve got a moment,
has anyone shown you how
this tool works? No? Allow me.

“This is called a ‘season’ and,
as you can see, can be
quite a blunt instrument
when applied uncarefully.
It functions, primarily,
for promotion and relegation procedures
(rather messy affairs - lots of scar tissue)
although has other uses too.

“You’ll see it’s quite long and, indeed,
rather fiddly. Somewhat unwieldy.
And this, the rather intimidating section
we need to sterilise religiously,
this is the business end,
the bit on which it all depends,
determining the whole operation
as a failure or success.
And yes, it is expensive.
And no, you can’t touch it.

“So, if you will excuse me now,
we’ve reached the part that’s fun.
If you move there, and do take care,
there’s grafting to be done.
Stand clear! This could get ugly.”


Like the Ladies

Do you play like a girl,
a young woman who can?
Does your effort exceed
any boy, any man?

Do you kick like a girl,
with the world to hit back,
always forced to defend
with a strength to attack?

Do you throw like a girl,
full of power inside,
and refuse to keep quiet,
to bottle your pride.

Or maybe, just maybe,
do you play like the Ladies?
The women who give it
full throttle, who live it,
whose fight is more fiesty,
have learned to be mighty
with no tme for lazy.
Let's play like the Ladies.

Reading the Play

“You coming to bed?” she said,
rubbing her leg
against the upholstery
of the settee.
(Must have had an itch.)

“Yes, dear. I’ll be on my way
after Match of the Day,
maybe in an hour, or so.
First I need to know…”

“I like to admire the quality
of a man’s tackle,” she added
with a wink.
(Twitchy eyes - must have been tired.)

“Well, indeed. It’s an attribute
often overlooked in today’s modern game.
Many a contemporary manager
will even lay blame
at a player for going to ground.
It’s all about reading the play,
staying on your feet to complete
a well-timed interception.
It’s much more cerebral these days.
A game of anticipation
and spotting the moment,” I said.

But she’d already left.
(Clearly a lady in need
of a rest.)


The Saturday Social

Saturday match day:
TGI my day.
A break from work, a time for play,
for football, friends and come what may.

The Saturday social - meet at the local
or straight to the ground
to see who’s around.
The world put to rights
with bar snacks and pints.

It’s a spiritual ritual, gladly habitual.
It’s me time and mates time.
It’s always a great time
when it’s shared. When who’s there
is what’s really important.
When family sit side by side
together whatever, allied
(for once a week, at least).

Plus there’s, or course, the mid-week meet.
A sneaky out on a school night treat.
When weekdays hit the heady heights
of breaking free beneath the lights.

Whatever way you celebrate,
there’s nothing like match day with mates.
So you know what to do
to let buddies unite,
and it’s all down to you:
do your Saturday right.


Love Story

We met online; we got on fine.
Arranged a date. I couldn’t wait.
On Valentine’s weekend as well.
It was so perfect how things fell.
But...what to do? “It’s up to you,” she said.
“Erm...go for dinner? Walk instead?
No? Cinema? A café, bar?”
“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “You choose.
Surprise me. How could I refuse
a treat like that? Somewhere to chat
is all I ask.” It wasn’t such a daunting task.

So I took her to watch Exeter City,
of course.

“You...ever been to a game before?”
“No, never,” she said. “I don’t like football.”
I bought her Bovril and some chips.
We ate in silence,
apart from the chewing, obviously,
which sounded louder than usual
against the echoing awkwardness.

It was cold. It started raining.
But still not even mild complaining,
which made it better than any
previous date I’d ever had.

And then the match. The mighty Grecians.
Ninety minutes ‘til completion.
A decent game, if truth be told.
I wondered if I’d had her sold.

“Well, did you have a lovely time?”
“Oh, yes!” she said. “My best in life!
I want to come to all the games!
There’s really nothing like St James!”

“Oh, wow! That’s great. The perfect date.”
“In some ways, yes,” she said. “I guess.”
And then she told me, to my pity,
“I don’t like you, though. Only City.”


Football can be like a good game of chess:
tactical tussles to tease and to test
the strategic mettle opponents possess.
Who’ll falter first and who’ll come out best?
Yes, football’s just like a good game of chess.

Just like a chess game a football match moves,
each piece by piece, as this simile proves,
except that the players are pieces
and the pitch is the board
and they don’t necessarily progress up it,
as such, ‘cause the defenders have to track
back and hold their shape,
and the goalkeeper, who’s a bit like
the king, I guess,
always stays in the goal, unless
it’s desperate at the end,
as he has to defend,
and, apart from sendings off,
none of the pieces, erm, players
are ‘taken’, and there’s no checkmate
or anything like that,
just a final whistle.

So they’re quite different games, really.

I Spy 

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with B:
Banks of four forged to the nth degree,
sticking to the plan as rigidly
as the ticking of a Swiss wristwatch
with a built-in backup battery.

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with I:
Indirect free kick routines,
integrating orchestrated step-overs,
dinks and tricks and back-post flicks,
albeit not hitting between the sticks.

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with E:
Early balls exploiting space,
switching play so often no-one
seems to know their name anymore,
let alone whose turn it is to score.

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with L:
Lines of recovery and retreat,
jogging backwards in unison
along pretty parallel lines
and schisms of perpendicularity.

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with S:
Support from the wing,
as wide men hug each touchline
like young lovers, less than blessed
with tenderness.

I spy with my little eye
something beginning with A:
Angled runs as security guards approach,
asking why I’m carrying binoculars
and pliers. Sorry, boss.
You’ve got some explaining to do.


Window of Transfer Opportunities

When one door closes
another one opens,
presumably closing another door
due to the draft or something,
which must open up another one
and so on and so forth,
until someone decides
to lock the doors.

But does the locking of one door
unlock another?
And is it the same for windows?
What about French windows
or conservatories?
Does the closing and/or locking
of one window
open and/or unlock another?
Is that how drafts work?
Or is this where the metaphor
doesn’t just close
but collapse?

I suppose it means more
than opening a door,
winding down a window
or drawing back a curtain
to a certain opportunity.
It could, potentially,
be about possibility
or something. Maybe.
But only
if you give it a chance.

Just try not to let all the heat out.


New Year's Resolutions

In the new year I...
won't get carried away when
we win two games in a row
and think this is the dawning
of a new era, something bigger
than two wins in a row.
It happens every time, I know.

I won't get carried away when
we don't win for a couple games
and think this constitues
a crisis, or time, at least
for something new.
Sometimes patience might well do.

I won't get carried away by
the folk in white coats
for losing my cool with an official
who dares to call a throw-in
for the opposition.
We all make wrong decisions.

I won;t get into pointless
online arguments
with away fans, with
home fans,
or even sometimes my 
earlier self.
It's not good for my health.

I will try to accept that players do
know what they're doing
when what they're doing differs
from what I'm yelling
and that it's possibly best
they follow the gaffer's instructions 
not mine. That might just turn out fine.

I will then go easy on myself
for ignoring any of these intentions
in the heat of the moment,
and that breaking my own rule once
should not mean giving up entirely.

They're simple guidelines, to be fair.
Or else I wouldn't have a prayer.

Come rest you merry Grecian fans

Come rest you merry Grecian fans,
let nothing you dismay.
Remember that, at St James Park,
the match on Boxing Day
might save us all from getting bored
by watching City play.
O, tidings of comfort and joy - 
comfort and joy.
O, tidings of comfort and joy!

In the Big Bank or either side,
we'll still be warm and dry.
A perfect chance to stretch our legs
while City satisfy,
and we can all indulge ourselves -
give everything a try.
O, tidings of comfort and joy - 
comfort and joy.
O, tidings of comfort and joy!

"Fear not," then said the gaffer.
"Our derby game is here.
The players are all up for it
and if the fans all cheer,
three points will surely be our gift
from Santa Clause this year."
O, tidings of comfort and joy - 
comfort and joy.
O, tidings of comfort and joy!

Have yourself a merry Grecian Christmas

Have yourself a merry Grecian Christmas,
dressed in red and white.
From now on, this season willl be quite alright.

Have yourself a merry Grecian Christmas,
with your yuletide plans.
From now on it's glory time for City fans.

Here we are at ECFC,
watching our City once more.
It's the club that we adore so much
and it's proper lush when they score.

Through each game we all will sing together,
if our throats allow.
Place a City scarf up on the highest bough,
and have yourself a merry Grecian Christmas now.

It's a toss-up

Whistle? check. Watch? Got.
Cards and pencil? Got the lot.
Time for the coin toss. Hang on...
Wait, it's back in the changing rooms.
Now too late.

Ok, don't panic, just think this through.
Whenever in doubt,
'What would Collina do?'
Well, not forget his coin for starters.
Not helping.

"Hey, do you both know
Rock, Paper, Scissors?"
"Of course."
"Alright then. I'll count to three."
"Do we go on three, or after three?"
"After three."
"So on four?"
"Err, yeah, sure."
"One, two, three...draw!"
"Look, what's all this for?"

"The laws of the game
make clear it depends
on tossing a coin
for choosing the ends.
However, this time
we'll just have to go
with old eeny-meeny
and then miny moe."

It's Raining Shadenfreude

The Germans havea word for it,
so now we do as well.
The little pleasure that we get
when others go through hell.

When we are sitting in the dry,
beneath the roofs of stands,
or even standing, tucked inside
the sheltering Big Bank.

And from our cosy view we see
it's peeding down wiht rain.
a feeling that inspires glee
at nuisance more than pain.

As players run and dream of sun
and coaches stand around.
For goalkeepers it's not much fun.
The worst job in the ground?

At least they can keep warm a bit
by moving, making do.
And feeling, as they see us sit,
that schadenfreude too.

Calling a Truce

They’d had enough that day:
five months of futile fighting.
Time to gather the dead, break bread
and play a game of football.

Christmas, 1914. It was supposed to be
over by now. The war to end all war.
Never again, they said.
Let’s play a game instead.

Had the desked ones done the same
we might be remembering
a different centenary, since men saw
sense in togetherness,

not the end of the start
of a century of slaughter.
Let this mark a moment
for sporting joys not metal toys

to bring people to the same field,
shaking hands, expressing doubts.
There’s more we have in common.
Let’s just have a kickabout.

A new stand for our City

We built a stand for our Stanno,
a name we're never letting go,
'cos he'll always be
part of ECFC.

With the Old Grandstand retired,
we are a City inspired
to draw the good times in nearer.
New glory for our new era.

A Grecian stand looking grand.
That Stagecoach planned for our fans.
Rising mighty and pretty.
Hail! A new stand for our City!

It’s simple, really. Every-other-yearly
some 55 teams compete
across four different leagues,
each with four different groups
of either three or four teams,
playing home and away,
and the winners of these
go through to the knockout
but only win if they’re in League A.
The others play to move up,
or down, to a different league,
as well as to win their play-offs
and qualify for the Euros,
unless they already have,
in which case someone else does
who hasn’t already qualified
via the actual qualifiers.

It’s a meaningful competition
replacing meaningless friendlies,
though some friendlies will
still take place, preparing teams
for more meaningful matches
than the previous friendlies,
preparing teams for the Euros,
but only if they’ve qualified
either via the Euro qualifiers
or the Nations League finals.
Or by being hosts, of course.
Plus, there’s a big, shiny trophy
and the chance of glory,
just like when we won Le Tournoi.


Man Management

I tweeted him last week,
said, ‘Son, you’ve had a bad run,
but keep your chin up.
I’m under pressure too,
losing ground on the mini-league leaders,
but I still believe in you.
You’ve got one more week
to prove what you can do.’

He didn’t tweet me back. Perhaps
he hadn’t seen it.
‘Look, I mean it,’ I wrote.
‘If you don’t deliver, that’s it.
But I know you can.
That early season form
was no flash in the pan.
You’ve got one more chance.
Don’t blow it.’

Still nothing. So I sent one more.
‘I’m backing you to score
or I will make use of my one
weekly free transfer.
I don’t want to, but I will if I have to.
I’m counting on you to come through.’

That’s when I knew that he’d read it.
That’s when I claimed all the credit
for the brace he achieved
to earn his reprieve,
just hours after blocking me.
And not even a word of thanks,

Five-a-side Hero - Cheltenham Town Programme

I’m a five-a-side hero,
as long as we apply
a somewhat liberal, perhaps
postmodern interpretation
to the term ‘hero’.

Despite getting more abuse than passes,
I will be there
with my gut and dodgy knee,
sweating profusely and trying
not to be sick. Like a hero.

I’m a hero from six yards, or so.
When it comes to tracking back,
alas I’m lacking.
Fitness not what it was, you see.
Did I mention my dodgy knee?
Though, to be honest,
I’d be wasted anywhere else
except up front,
waiting for that hopeful punt.
But when it comes, you can bet,
one in three or four shots
will find the net,
once I’ve got my eye in.

I’m a five-a-side hero
with a goals per game ratio
the envy of Ronaldo,
who, to be fair,
doesn’t play most of his games
against six-year-olds.

Right, lads, this is it.
You’ve worked so hard to get here
your one shot at glory.
Sure, there’ll be other opportunities
but not for you.
It’s true this one is massive. So,
no pressure. 

You won’t need me to tell you,
even though I will
remind you what’s at stake.
It could be your big break
or by far your worst mistake.
Again, no pressure. 

It’s cup final day.
Not the World Cup, or the Olympics.
Not even the Checkatrade Trophy.
A shame.
This is the Asian Games. 

Your chance to be national heroes.
Your chance to be household names.
But above all,
your chance to avoid 21 months
of compulsory military service
on minimum wage,
though only if you win.

Otherwise, that long out the game
will kill your career,not to mention the danger, ahem,
not to mention the danger, ahem,
posed by North Korea. 

But I mean this, lads: no pressure.
Just…go out and play like
your life depends on it.
Maybe it does. Erm...
Good luck.

Six Pointer

Like the joker round in a pub quiz,
three points here might feel like six,
one point each will still mean one,
while none would feel like minus three.
Or is that just me not getting maths?

There’s a six point gap
determining the swing
between whoever wins
and the other way around.
Although, we don’t lose points,
just ground.

It’s the most important match
since the last one,
and it might define our season,
at least until the next definer
decided next weekend.

Though only one will claim three points
or two could each claim one,
the six points we’re competing for
are valued more than parts and sum.

Or maybe every game’s the same:
a season of 46 six-pointers,
a 276 point campaign.
Or maybe it’s too soon to say.

So anyway, to be precise,
some points today would be quite nice.


Max was told to give 110%,
to go above
and go beyond,
to take that extra mile
(where there’s no metaphorical traffic
as everyone’s turned off
at the drive-thru,
but there’s still plenty of potholes).

Through plenty of pain
for minimal gains,
his coach explained,
“It’s not about being the best;
it’s about being better
than you were yesterday”.
Like it said on the poster
in the toilets.

Max felt a great disappointment,
having only achieved 100%,
being first place
and top of the table.
And yesterday felt good.
Ice cream good
with syrup and extra sprinkles.

Then Max saw who stood behind him
in the flat cap and cravat.
Suddenly the salads
and the ice baths
beckoned him again.

Scorin' goals in the hot sun.
We brought in Law and… then Law won.
We brought in Law and… then Law won.

We needed someone who could make some.
We brought in Law and… then Law won.
We brought in Law and… then Law won.

We lost key players and it felt so bad.
We thought our race was run.
Is he the best signing we’ve ever had?
We brought in Law and… then Law won.
We brought in Law and…

Splittin’ defences like there’s none.
We brought in Law and… then Law won.
We brought in Law and… then Law won.
He breaks up play like it’s just for fun.
We brought in Law and… then Law won.
We brought in Law and… then Law won.

We lost key players and it felt so bad.
We thought our race was run.

Is he the best signing we’ve ever had?
We brought in Law and… then Law won.

We brought in Law and…

Change is the only thing that’s constant.
Heraclitus understood the rule.
This truth of ancient Grecian wisdom
guides the modern mind, provides our fuel. 

Life is moving, and improving.
Ever growing, often breaking through.
Things are changing, rearranging.
Everything is flowing, always new.

And so it is with football, clearly.
Names and faces shifting yearly.
Constant alterations off the pitch.
Evolution at all levels.
Nothing’s still or ever settles.
Timing’s crucial: when to make the switch.

Another year, a brand new era,
bringing glory ever nearer.
Could it be that now our time has come?
Another try, a fresh campaign
with something different once again.

Do you feel it?
Could this be the one...?

2017/18 Poems


Wembley? we wonder.
We wish, we wait.
Will we win? Well,
we’ll watch. We’ll welcome.

Each extra effort
energises expectation.
Every excitement enthuses,
engages, entertains.

Might make more memories;
might make mere misery.
Maybe magnificence.

Be bold, be brave.
Be better, be best.
Be brawny, bombastic.
Be bulletproof, blessed.

Legendary landmark,
lauded location.
Let’s lift lessons,
leave lethargy, learn.

Embrace everything.
Eschew existential emptiness.
Evade elimination.
Enjoy every emotion.

Yearly yearning.
Yesteryear’s yarn.
‘Yes!’ you yell.


Eustress if you want to

Stress gets a negative press.
Yes, in excess, it causes distress,
yet specks of ‘eustress’
are best for success.

Take football, in May.
The summer of cricket is well underway
and prospects for Saturday’s play
somewhat rest
on there being a sense of contest.
Mid-table in April disables interest
and let’s be honest, if it wasn’t
for being obsessed
we wouldn’t care less, unless…
there’s cause to invest emotionalness.

The notion of stress gets met
as a threat,
yet it’s better than boredom
by fresh stresslessness.
So I say yes, OK.
Give me a smidgen of stress any day.
If I’m going to pay to be entertained,
I want pleasure and pain
to be each unrestrained.

It may not be best for my chest
but then hey,
who watches games to relax anyway?

This is MY City

This is MY City. It’s more than a club.
It’s family and a community hub.
I’m more than a punter, more than a fan.
I’m building tomorrow. I’m part of the plan.

This is MY City, a place to call home,
where presents are bought but futures are grown.
With every game I’m playing my part,
beating the rhythm of Exeter’s heart.

This is MY City. I’m part of the team,
significant in a much bigger scheme.
Stresses, successes will change every season,
but passion sustains and I am the reason.

This is MY City, my ECFC,
a red and white army that’s fighting for me.
I’m Grecian and proud and this is my crowd.
I’m Exeter City and I’ll say it loud.



Dear Harry and Meggy,

One’s writing to thank you
for your invitation.
A chance to join in
with the rest of the nation
by being a part
of your most special day,
and normally one would do all,
come what may.
But on this occasion,
one hopes you won’t mind;
one’s awfully sorry
to have to decline.

One’s not going to lie,
say one’s washing one’s hair,
as it’s clear now to all
there isn’t much there.
One’s not going to promise
and then become ‘ill’.
It wouldn’t be fair
and it’s much ruder still.
The reason one cannot be there
for your do:
the Cup final’s on
and it means more than you.

One knows they don’t clash
and you’ll kick off at noon
but one hates to be late
so would want to head soon
for the build-up, you see.
One just loves the wait.
But please do not fret,
as one’s still sending Kate.
Just keep one some cake, ya?
And have a great time.
It’s just part of one’s job.
One hopes you won’t mind.

Warm regards,


When the Plus-sized Dame Serenades

There’s a buxom lady named Brunnhilde;
always travels away.
She watches each game, attentively
tutting from beneath her horned helmet,
twisting the enormous spear
she somehow snuck through the turnstiles
(though they probably let her
through the gate, to be honest),
and lightly tapping on her shield.

But otherwise she’s silent.
No-one really makes eye contact
or offers her a Malteser,
even when they’re passed around.
She’s the only valkyrie in the ground,
but never seems to mind.

She just bides her time
until the board goes up.
As others fidget, get restless for the exits,
Brunnhilde warms her vocal chords
with a Bovril,
as stoppage time is when she starts.
“Oooh aaah! We are Exeter!” she bellows,
watching one goal, then two
turn the game on its head.

When the whistle gets closer
it’s just one of those things,
that the game isn’t over
‘til the fat lady sings.


Top Top Players

There are players
and there are top players,
but the top players
aren’t at the top.
Nowhere near.

So a top player’s aim
is to be a top top player,
and a top top player
aims to be at the top
of the top top players.
A top top top player, perhaps.

Take Messi or Ronaldo,
maybe Neymar, maybe not.
They’re your top top top players.
Below them
are your top top players:
De Bruyne, De Gea,
Mo Salah, Harry Kane,
plus Hazard, and Ozil,
or Suarez, Gareth Bale.

But your top players
and your top top players,
and even your top top
top players,
can only dream of being
a top top top top player,
which then is only one level
below Jordan Moore-Taylor.


Please stay in lane
to ease congestion.
The road to League One
is diverted
due to severe weather
and a cup run.

Please keep left
unless overtaking.
No stopping
at any time,
except buses -
and definitely no parking.

Please consider sharing.
One game at lunchtime,
another in the afternoon,
and maybe a third
in the evening
will ease the flow.

Please be considerate
to other league users,
maintaining a steady pace.
Close your distance -
no more than two fixtures apart.
It's one way to May.

Have a safe journey.
Tiredness can kill off a campaign.
The end of season welcomes
careful drivers.


‘Have you taken the bins out?’ she messages.
‘Yes, dear!’ I respond,
quickly taking the bins out.
‘Have you hoovered the lounge?’
‘Of course,’ I reply,
hastily hoovering the lounge.
‘Done the washing up?’
‘Sorted through the pile of paper on the table?’
Yes, yes. All over it.
Still got twenty minutes left
before she’s home.
‘You don’t need to remind me, darling.
I can do things by myself, y’know.’
My heart hasn’t pumped so hard
since last year’s play-offs.

‘Oh, well done,’ she says.
‘I’m pleasantly surprised.’
She winks and hints
I may find luck tonight.
‘I don’t know why you even doubted…’
Then I stop.
I’m screwed.

It’s the video review.

‘Let me just check the VAR,’ she says,
running through the newly installed tech.
It’s the future, apparently.
Our future. Mine.
Now it’s not just what I’ve done,
but when I took the time.

And her earlier decision
is overturned.

Dream Goal

The goal that I scored in my dream -
the greatest that you’ve never seen.
I don’t want to boast,
but it was the most
miraculous thing there has been.

I’m sure you’ve scored plenty as well,
yet none of them could be as swell.
So let me describe it:
there’s just nothing like it.
You’ll hardly believe what I tell.

It all started deep in our box.
I pulled off the greatest of blocks.
They’d strolled past our sweeper,
then rounded our ‘keeper,
but guess who was there to outfox?

Yes, stretching out just on the line,
I trapped it and still had the time
to get to my feet,
their whole team to beat,
and, sensing the moment was mine,

I ran the whole length of the pitch.
Each twitch of my foot did bewitch
their mesmerised squad -
a footballing god,
who slalomed without any hitch.

Then finally, thirty yards out,
I thought myself in with a shout,
so gave it a flick,
then scorpion kick.
It scorched through the air with some clout!

It ripped a great hole in the net.
As top corner as you can get.
So perfect and pure,
I’m totally sure
it could not be beaten. And yet…

the memory still makes me bitter.
I woke from the dream with a jitter.
In acres of space,
I lost sense of place,
then missed the all-time greatest sitter.


add up.
That’s the point.
Their cumulative total tells
how well each team competes
compared to the mathematics of others.
Sometimes the numbers take a subtle slumber;
sometimes they rise steadily, other times more readily.
Then it ultimately depends on the end points, inevitably.

on repeat
provide good reason
to treat victories, draws
and then even each defeat
for what they individually really are:
just another part of each annual start,
trying to refresh at a better competitive level.
The hustle never ends. The tussle twists and bends.

is why
nothing really matters
and yet everything does,
‘cause there’s always another game,
yet only ever one opportunity today.
Come whatever may, we come to play.
Whether it’s for three points, one or none,
there’s some point after all. The football’s never done.


Underwater Football

If normal football's just too dry,
a bit of rain at best,
there is a sport that you could try,
though wetter than the rest.

But is it better? That depends
on how well you can swim,
and if you're fond of breathing much.
If so, it's rather grim.

The underwater football rules
are really much the same,
though tactics favour close control.
It's not a long ball game.

If you forget your kit, be warned.
You won't just look a clown.
A  snorkel's fairly key, at least.
or else you're sure to drown.

The ball is also not so light.
Don't smash it with your head.
Just gentle kicks should do the trick.
Do keepie-ups instead,

Not keen on the idea, you say?
The thought makes you bereft?
When climate change has had its way,
it might be all that's left.

The Birds In The Bush

A bird in the hand
is worth two in the bush,
if the bird in the hand
has points on the board.
But if birds in the bush
have games in hand each,
then the worth of the birds
would be maybe more
than the one in your hand,
yet only then if
you think that they'll win.

A bad bird in the bush
and a good bird in the bush
would be equal to
the one in your hand,
whereas two bad birds
would be much worse,
while two good birds
would be worth more
than one good bird
and points on the board,
however loud it squawked.

So, I'd choose, at a push
both the birds in the bush,
though I might need to get
my gurt fancy net. 

Step one: Select your foe.
No giant relishes perishing,
though some will put up more fight than others.
The biggest barely try,
which is why a giant already bruised
by its larger compadres may give way
more readily.

Step two: Lure them to you.
Giants prefer their giant world,
with room to s-p-r-e-a-d out.
Don’t let them. Get them to come
to where you’ll be well suited
but giants might get frightened
and may soon turn to the tissues
when forced to confront
their own intimacy issues.

Step three: Identify their weak points.
A giant lacking confidence may retract
when attacked with a low blow early on.
Faced with the threat of a pride scything defeat,
they’re likely to retreat when weakness is spotted
and exploited.

Step four: Initiate mind games.
Remind the giant of its size.
Then remind them of yours.
It shouldn’t even be a contest, yet
every step when they get pressed
is a niggling sign things aren’t going fine.
Oh dear. How awkward.

Step five: Enjoy the moment.
If steps one to four haven’t proven effective,
it’s probably worth just savouring the occasion.
There’s a reason giant killings
aren’t attempted too often.


They say it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
But the season’s more a series
of fifty plus half marathons,
with mini-sprints, shuffles,
jogs, runs and scuffles.
And that’s just to queue at the bar.

Post-Christmas comes the litmus test.
The second half has started
yet without the chance to rest.
Who’s saved their best?
Who’s peaked too soon?
Who’s out of luck?
Who’s opportune?
Who’s just absolutely knackered
and needs a speedy substitute
(and chocolate)?

It’s a game of two halves,
but a year in two parts
with no break.
Is there depth to the squad
or just faith in a god?
For our sake
I’ll take either. Whatever works.

The second half has started,
for better or for worse.
So who will find another gear
and who’ll steer in reverse,
or simply stall?

There’s nothing left in these old knees,
so I’ll just take a rub down, please.
That’s all.

'Twas the day after Christmas 

'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the land,
supporters were gathering, filling the stands.
The Boxing Day fixture, a much-loved tradition;
at holiday time, a most welcome addition.

A chance for supporters to get out the house,
to burn off the Turkey and gas out the sprouts.
Escape from the family, needed for some.
For others the chance to let everyone come.

A time to show off all the new winter wear
and see if those undies kept warmth in down there.
For fans an occasion for festive delight,
enjoying the merriment football provides.

But more than all that, as we looked to the skies,
St Nicholas flew. It was quite a suprise.
And we heard him exlaim, as he turned with a spin,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to Grecians a win!"

Merry Christmas, Grecian Ones.

Goals are flowing all around us,

children watching, having fun.
‘Tis, our leader. We’ve had quite a year, eh?
Merry Christmas, Grecian ones.

Time for chanting and celebrations;
fans are cheering all match long.
Time for scoring, climbing up the table;
time for singing Big Bank songs.

We're gonna have a party next summer.
If we don’t get top three,
we’ll skip along the Wembley Way.
We're heading for League One.

Flags are soaring, Grecian’s roaring,
at St James Park. We love it here.
All I wish that every day was match day.
What a nice way to spend the year.

We're gonna have a party next summer.
If we don’t get top three,
we’ll skip along the Wembley Way.
We're heading for League One.

Goals are flowing, all around us,
children watching, having fun.
‘Tis, our leader. We’ve had quite a year, eh?
Merry Christmas, Grecian ones.
Merry Christmas, Grecian ones.
Merry Christmas, Grecian ones.



Pon De Replay

We're all just focusing on the next game,
taking each day as it comes hurtling
like a steam train with no brakes.
(Please stand back from the platform edge.)
Life has a way of moving come what may.
no tomorrow quite the same - 
no replays.

We'll never relive the highlights:
first bike, first dance, first kiss,
first... you know.
Gone. Done. Unbeatably unrepeatable.
Deliciously unspeakable, perhaps.
Alas, no more of that.

No chance to overturn the terrors
of youth's most unforgiving errors.
The awkward smorgasbord of blundering idiocy
will always be eternally unchanged.
(And just be grateful if your teens
pre-dated social media -
humiliation just a Google search away.)

Life stumbles on always anew,
with one exception
Among the peaks and troughs
the ons and offs,
are the neithers.
Some draws just draw out repetition.
Repitition for when competition
cannot endure more indecision.
There must be winners and losers,
life's victims and its abusers,

Our joys are not relived,
our failures unrepared.
But replays come when all is done
and judgement's undeclared.

And we all welcome another chance

You Can't Win Anything With Kids

You need experience, they say,
even experience of losing;
failing to find the winning way.
It’s not about the way you play.
It’s knowing what it’s like
to taste defeat. It’s getting beat
and staying resilient enough
to go and lose again.
Because you can’t win anything with kids.

OK, you might not win with adults either.
You might not be a great achiever,
but on the blend you can depend.
Yes, youth is fine when it’s combined
with plenty of experience.
That is the one criterion
for footballing success.

You’ll never be the best with youth,
and so good common sense forbids
that you should ever question truth:
you can’t win anything with kids.

Even if the kids are winners.
Even if they fit the bill.
They’re no more than mere beginners
who begin with greater skill.

You just can’t win with kids these days.
What do they know? What have they learned?
Well if the answer’s ‘how to win’,
then now, perhaps, could be their turn…

Football Is

Football is not about landing your helicopter on the pitch,

agents taking their ten per cent

to move you onto a better bench,

then refusing to play

for your six-figure weekly wage

because you didn’t get a birthday cake.
It’s not about naming an airport in your honour

accompanied by a statue that looks more like a melting Niall Quinn,

or keeping your millions in offshore tax havens

and retiring in your twenties just because you didn’t win.

Football is

about the love of it.

It’s about scoring the winner in a Wembley final

up against your mate’s dad’s garage,

or with a tennis ball in a hallway,

a scrunched-up piece of GCSE revision

just outside the exam room,

or (because it’s the only thing available

and sometimes you just have to play)

with your new Gideon’s bible.

(Definitely going to Hell for that one.)

Football is not a pastime.

It’s the place you pass time to get to.
It’s the reward

for everything else you have endured.
It’s your time.

And it’s everyone’s.

Football is setting your alarm

for stupid o’clock in the morning,

when everyone else is snoring,

to wash the kit, or cut the grass;

to clean the boots, to drive the car;

to make the food, check petty cash;

to find the whistle and your flags;

to paint the lines, to check the ground;

to tighten studs, to phone around;

to stand in when a friend is ill,

to love the game and be there still.

Football is grassroots.
It’s the real and it’s the truth.
It’s you and me. It’s old and young.

It’s boy and girl. It’s Dad and Mum.
It’s growing up and growing old.
It’s ‘Yes, I can,’ and won’t be told.
It’s on the pitch, behind the scenes,
and shaking hands and getting clean.
It’s more than age or class or skin.
It’s helping out and joining in.

It’s worldwide and it’s local.
It’s proud and very vocal.
It’s people with a passion.
A joy that can’t be rationed.
It’s a community that accepts you,
even if you’re Argyle.

Football is a way of life.
Football comes from what you do.
Football is the force inside.
Football is…because of you.

Bleaguered Fantasy

The board have now awarded me
the dreaded vote of confidence
They say I have their 'full support'
I'm stuffed. I'm screwed.
There seems little I can do
to stop them rudely pursuing
the 'mutual agreement' that means I jump
before I'm shoved.

I think they've had enough
of my mid-table mediocrity.
I think they're out of love
with my now terminal velocity.
But this is not the real life.
the league I'm in is fantasy.
I'm caught in quite a landslide, yet 
it won't escape reality.

You see, my albatross hangs heavily.
Each time I bring a player in...
oops, suddenly an injury.
My every move, a voodoo hoodoo,
dooming who you'd never choose to do it to.
Except I always do.
Ruining youth for club and country,
my fantasy's beleaguered.

Yet I can't help it. I'm addicted.
I've an instinct for more tinkering
and my inklings are all twisted.
So mishaps still keep happening.
with fantasy team power comes
great irresponsibility.
The chairman's looming over me.
'Just do it' he says, knowlingly.

I could stop any time. I would,
if power didn't feel so good.

Farewell, Old Friend

We’ve all got that one friend.

The one on which we can depend
for two things, at least:
firstly, they’re always there.
Secondly, they help us feel much better
about our own appearance,
if only by comparison.

While some are best aesthetically,
which doesn’t help our self-esteem,
possessing personality is,
in a friend, the perfect dream.
That thing called ‘character’:
a form of protection
from years of rejection.
You might have felt it building.

‘Cos hey, it’s what’s on the inside
that counts, right?
Or am I just being polite?

They might be more, say, sewage waste silo
than a classical statue of Venus de Milo.
Perhaps, instead, more frothing and rabid
than Michelangelo’s sculpture of David.

And how they ever managed
to be greeted down the aisle
is more of an enigma
than the Mona Lisa smile.

We’ve all got one friend like them,
maybe more.
And to some, we are that friend.
More oily rag than oil painting.
More riled goblin than Ryan Gosling.
Not known, shall we say,
to be a head-turner.
No whiplash claims here, thanks.

Yet, though we’d never want to
see them ever in the nuddy,
(and NEVER while we’re eating),
they will always be our buddy.
Our oldest friend. Our strongest connection.
The mate who claims our greatest affection.

So we will miss them.
Having teased and tormented them
when they were present,
the thought of their absence
now not quite as pleasant.

And the same goes for stands.
For so long a home to families of fans.
Many generations of celebrations.
Though, no longer in the plans.

It’s time to say farewell.
And if we’re honest,
yes, it’s due.
But one thing won’t be lost
once we’ve made way for the new.

Old friends won’t live forever.
Their passing can’t be spared.
But what lives on, when they have gone
(apart from the aches):
the memories we’ve shared.

An Unconditional Love

“You look deep in thought,” she says.
And she’s absolutely right.
My mind is on the problem
that had kept me up last night -
whether two holding midfielders
instead of just one sitting deep
frees up the front four
or puts more pressure on the wingers to stay wide,
leaving the top two

“Yes, sorry,” I say.

“No, don’t be.
I’d love to know what’s going on
inside that fascinating brain.”

“Oh. I was just thinking…”
about whether a lack of midfield width
can be adequately compensated by
attacking full-backs,
or if two well-organised banks of four
is a universal rule never to be tampered with.

“About?” she asks.

“About how beautiful you look tonight.
The way your natural symmetry seems
like the craftsmanship of a divine force;
like the fundamental laws of physics
are epitomised in your perfection,”
I say, still thinking of 4-4-2
and the way the pupils in her eyes dilate
like little dark footballs.


England, Champions of the World

Okay, kids. Pull up a chair and come and sit with your grandfather

by this hologram of a roaring fire.
I went to tell you the story
of how England became Champions of the World…

It was 2018, before Brexit and the Civil War,

when Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg was nothing more

than a humble backbencher,

and the debut grime album of MC Jeremy Corbyn

was not only unreleased, it had yet to be recorded.

Qualification had been easy but uninspiring.
The squad were young and expectations low.
None of us thought back then

Gareth Southgate would achieve such God-like status,

Joe Hart would find his greatest form,

our back four would prove harder to penetrate

than the end of a roll of Sellotape,

or we’d have a midfield more creative

than Picasso with some play dough.
We knew Harry Kane may beat Klose or Fontaine;

we just didn’t know he’d pass both in our first game.

It all came together like a dream.
And yet it really happened, kids.
You know I’d never lie to you.
It was the perfect afternoon.
The best I’ve ever been

playing FIFA 18.

So much better than watching the real England

crashing out in Russia.
We don’t talk about that.

The Last to be Picked

I bet I’m the last to be picked.
I’m always the last to be picked.
If only they passed, I might not be last,
but…wait for it…yep, there it is.
“And you can have him,” they inflict.
The words that we all could predict.
The dregs in the cup. Why bother turn up?
Again, I’m the last to be picked.

Will this time be different? We’ll see.
The last to be picked; is it me?
A new kid arrives. He’s blind in one eye
and only has one of his feet.
He’s also forgotten his kit,
but that doesn’t matter a bit.
The captain’s his friend, so I’m at the end.
Again, I’m the last to be picked.

Now surely, they won’t pick me last,
as finally somebody passed.
I scored on the volley. I bet they were sorry
to rule me out ever so fast.
I showed that I won’t be outclassed.
My goalscoring skills are so vast.
It’s time for the picking, for twisting or sticking.
They stick. And again, I’m picked last.

I’m not giving up quite so easy.
I may be too slow and too wheezy,
too useless, too clumsy - a sloth could outrun me -
and exercise makes me feel queasy.
But just once is all that I ask,
when being the worst is surpassed.
My moment of glory. A different story.
Get in! Yes! Picked SECOND from last.



Ladies and gentlemen,
The pitch is now our picturehouse;
the ground, the crowd -
our sight and sound.
The set has been dressed,
the red carpet laid.
So please take your seats.
Our show will be played.

A live-action drama -
no script has been written.
So who’ll be the hero
and who’ll be the villain?
And where will the twists
and the turns be revealed?
And when will our characters’
fates then be sealed?

Let’s turn on the spotlights
and draw back the curtains,
for now is the time
when there’s nothing that’s certain.
It’s time to get ready
for THE main attraction.
It’s showtime: the floodlights,
the cameras, the action.

If – Tis

If you can keep your job when all but Wenger
Are losing theirs, except for him and you;
If you can trust yourself despite fans’ tempers,
But make allowance for their tempers too;
If you can win some, lose some and draw many,
Go up, come down, but mostly stay each year;
If you can wait until the time is ready
For recognition to then reappear;

If you can watch—and not just do that only;
If you can sub—and not make subs your aim;
If you can meet with Perryman and Oakley
And nod at their opinions just the same;
If you can build a squad from home-grown youngsters,
As well as loanees and those gained for free;
If you can get them gelling, without blunders,
And playing proper football with their feet;

If you can buck the trend of boring clothing,
And ditch the trackies and the low-key suit;

If you can still look stylish when you’re coaching,
With matching shirt and socks, designer boots;
If you can wear cravats and mask your baldness
With hats and caps that make you look the shizz;
If you can effortlessly be the coolest,
And everybody knows you just as ‘Tis’;

If you can trust in values and an ethos
To work and play the way you know is right,
And never shun from looking like a peacock,
Albeit one who still looks great in white;
If you can fill the ninety-something minutes
Without the need to masticate on gum,
Yours is the league and a promotion with it,
But first – you’ll be Manager of the Month.

Top of the League

We’re top of the league, right where we should be.
Right there you will see, we’re top of the league!
We’re top of the league. It’s time to believe.
Just try to perceive, we’re top of the league!
We’re top of the league. That’s worth a repeat:
We’re top of the league! We’re top of the league!
I’m not gonna cease. The feeling’s unique.
Not gonna decrease. We’re top of the league!
The top of the league. We weren’t here last week.

But this week’s on fleek. We’re top of the league!
We’ve climbed to the peak – the top of the league.
A bit of a sneak to take a good peek.
The place that we seek is top of the league,

so now hear me speak: we’re top of the league!
Oh yes, it feels sweet, with four games complete.
The first month’s achieved. Who’s top of the league?
Oh yes, silly me! We’re top of the league!
We’re top of the league? Yes, top of the league.
The top of the league? As top as can be.
How top can top be? It’s top of the league!
OK now, let’s see. It feels good indeed.
No-one can exceed the top of the league.
We’re top of the league! A claim to make strong,

because, honestly, it might not last long.


We’re shifting from our fluid 4-4-2 cum 4-3-3
to see how a more liquid 5-3-2 cum 3-5-2
cum 3-3-2-2 will do.
Though, it might end up more 2-3-1-2-2

cum 2-3-1-2-1-1 cum 2-2-2-1-2-1
once we’ve begun.

And then, if we’re down to ten men,
it’s 4-3-2 cum 2-5-2
or back to 3-4-2 cum 3-3-3,
though really 3-3-2-1 cum 3-5-1,
or 5-3-1 cum 4-4-1,
depending on the score.

Ideally, our flat back four
will switch to three plus two,
making room for two more inside,
or one before the five,
each tested and well tried.
Unless, we decide to mix it up,
have three banks of three
plus one, to make it Dutch,
then concertina up the field.
Or will that be too much?

Perhaps let’s keep it simple
and try ‘the scattergun’,
so whichever way you look at it
we’re 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1.

Transfer Options

They say he’s got a dodgy knee
and knackered feet but, well, he’s free.

He’s English, old and kind of round.
The asking price: a million pounds.

He trained with Chelsea as a kid.
So that makes him two million quid.

He worked with Fergie for a day.
Five million pounds we’d have to pay.

His uncle’s been out to Brazil.
Ten million’s what they’re wanting still.

He once scored three games in a row.
His twenty million feels quite low.

It’s rumoured that his poo is gold.
For fifty million he’ll be sold.

His silverware? The Holy Grail.
One hundred million, he’s for sale.

He’s quite good looking, might sell kits.
Two hundred million surely fits.

And that’s the market. That’s the lot.
Or maybe stick with what we’ve got.

This Year

This year…is going to be our year.
This season’s the reason we’ve nothing to fear.
We’re gonna win the league, win all the cups,

win every game, lift trophies up.
We’re gonna do a Leicester 
but we’re gonna do it…bester,

‘cos this year…is going to be our year.

All we need’s a proper start,

a decent middle and better end.
And then, yes then,

we’ll have a side

to make the big boys run and hide.

If things come together

then we’re gonna be fine.

It might not click just straightaway,

but we’ll come good in time.

This year…is going to be our year.
This year…

or more likely next year, if we’re honest,

‘cos this’ll probably be more of a transitional year,

what with the ground and the squad and…
ut next year, for sure,

it’ll be our year,
as long as we don’t make a total pig’s ear

of this year.

Oh dear. What if we go down a tier?

This year…

well, who knows?
Let’s just see how it all goes.


When August Comes

Sod the sandcastles
and bringing half the beach back
in our cracks.
Catching crabs? No thanks.
Summer’s just a rest designed to prep us
for the real reason we pass our time.
It’s football season when August arrives.

Yes, when the weather’s fine, there’s still football;
we’ve got football on our minds.

The Test matches might tantalise,
while Wimbledon placates our cries,
but June is dull, and then July
just whets our growing appetite
for the beautiful game.
No, nothing else is quite the same
as when the gossip stops for play;
when August comes around again.
When Saturdays have a purpose;
there’s something to anticipate.
When August comes around again,
it’s finally been worth the wait.

We’re ready. So ready.
The football in our belly’s burning,
yearning for a run out with the sun out.
It’s more fun out when the league’s begun
than snorting pollen by the ton.
It’s all four seasons into one
and kicking off when August comes.
When joy returns to wipe the tears
and hope’s regained once it appears.

By far the most wonderful time of the year:
when August arrives and the football is here.