The club understands that Norman Warne, a long-standing ECFC Trust member and quiz master extraordinaire, has applied for the vacant England job. His letter of application is revealed below...
Chairman
Wembley
Stadium English Football Association Wembley
SW1P 9EQ
Dear Sir,
I am prepared to ‘throw my hat into the centre circle’, as they say, and take on the job. Yes, I really am! Help is at hand! She thought you looked as Sick as a Parrot when Ray Hodgkinson threw in the sponge. Well, no need to worry, Mr Dyke. Me missus told me that you were pretty miffed by England’s performances in France, which I did not have the pleasure of seeing as I was playing skittles down at the Legion (an important league match).
Just a thought.] [In passing, and talking of Pot for a sec’, would it be an idea to fine players whenever they are caught in possession in midfield? Before Ray stepped in, there was Mr Pearce who once lent me a grey mare, Mr Capello who couldn’t speak English, Mr McLaren who had Formula One experience to help him, Mr Ericsson who made mobile phones to call his friend Nancy, Mr Taylor who was a Pot Shot man on the green baize, and Mr Keegan who once said “I’ll never play at Wembury again unless I play at Wembury again”. Now, I think it’s my turn!
What I haven’t got, however, is any old baggage (me missus went off with the painter a few days ago), so you need have no worries that I might do something to steal the glitzy newspaper headlines away from the players. I noticed the England team suffer from the same complaint. Unfortunately I cannot do that at the moment as I have a back problem. England Manager? I wouldn’t want much of a wage, but if I could have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off and the odd Saturday, that would be appreciated as I like to walk the dog. I’ve applied for over 41 coaching posts in non-league football, without a lot of success - well, none in fact - so please would you consider me for your next
Home Matches
Perhaps you could you book me into a decent hotel in nearby Plymouth. Can I come over and get the feel of the place? My grannie had a liaison in Wembury during the war with a Yankee airman and she said “Oooh, it was lovely”. I’ve been to Wembury, and it was lovely. I’ve been told we’d play all our home games at Wembury.
Away Matches
Away games in colder places like Iceland (I’ve been there, too) would be no problem for me, since I used to work in a frozen chicken factory in Tenby. Between you and me, I’d rather travel to lesser footballing countries where we might hopefully eek out a lucky draw!
Now then, the qualities which make me different from the other applicants:-
Integrity
Just ask Michel Platinum! Have a word with Seb Platter! Impeccable!
Handling of outside pressures
I’ll ask how on earth he’s managed to cope with the pressure of a Six Nations Grand Slam, and then a victorious 3-nil Test Series whitewash I’ll talk to Eddie Jones about that. ‘Down Under’.
Communication skills
I’m doing the typing myself, Mr Dyke! No messing!
Decision making
A bit like Ray. I was going to apply by FAX, or call you, or send you an e-mail, but I just couldn’t make up me mind.
Capacity to focus soley on the job
Thanks. Could all the training and friendlies and everything take place on a Monday morning, when I could give my fullest attention? As I said, Gregory, if I may call you that, I’d need a bit of time off, as I’m pretty busy at the minute.
Long-term commitment
Maybe my large donation to the Police Ball helped. I have never been committed, but I was jolly near it once, and it could well have been long term.
Ability to inspire a team
How about that? Not only did I create and inspire a team, and hold two coaching sessions, and enter the YMCA Premiership League in Clapham in 1995, but we came seventh, finishing above the Hackney Young Farmers Club. Now we are getting to the nitty gritty, Greggy.
Sustained success as a coach-manager
Then we folded because the players were sadly unable to pay their subs, but I expect the England players could probably afford theirs. Actually, we did have four shots on target during the 32-game season, so we were very much an attacking team. He’d be an obvious candidate for the England squad, wouldn’t he? In the following season, we finished tenth but that was because our centre forward scored more often in hotels and nightclubs than on the pitch.
Popularity with players, clubs and supporters
I’d open the odd Charity Fete for a very reasonable fee. I’d visit Childrens’ Hospitals if I was at a loose end, and I’d donate our spare dog bowl to the RSPCA. I might sign autographs for England fans. I’d send bottles of Old Port to even older Club Chairmen. I would show affection to the players (more so to their WAGS) and I’d never dream of parking in the pristine parking spaces reserved for them.
have some mates already; both of them call me Norm. I do P.S.
Football Philosophy
I call it CRASS. “Changes, Rotations and Swapsies”. How about that, Greg? My philosophy is: “Changes, Rotations and Swapsies ”. Here I excel, my friend.
Tactical Astuteness
It is always good to know the tactics to pick up a fair bit. By way of tactics, I picked up a fair bit in the YMCA league. This is my strong point, Greggsy. I have stacks of experience, and some of it might come in handy.
- I’d put the players on a garlic diet to create more space up front, without needing to run around too much.
- Surprisingly simple! Just give it a whack! I’d introduce a tactic of smacking the ball up to the other end of the pitch when the opposition ain’t looking, for our forwards to chase.
- long throw-ins. I’d develop a secret formation designed to prevent the opposition from scoring from
- Not a lot of width, but, oh boy, is it direct! Another formation of mine is the one-one-one-one-one-one-one-one-one-one. It’s a stunner!
- I’d keep the best players on the subs bench till the end – that’s another remarkably good wheeze!
Bamboozles absolutely everyone! I know Ray liked that one. My favourite ploy is not letting on to the players what they are supposed to be doing.
Finally, International Experience
I do like a nice Spanish omelette from time to time, and so, in me, you’d have a man of true all-round International Experience, particularly when an old flame of mine was a barmaid from Brussels with a Brazilian. I’ve got two ABBA CDs, and me dad drives a VW. An Irishman turned out for us in Clapham. I went to Turkey last summer – well, I didn’t actually go, but I looked at the Thompson Crook brochures, so I as good as went. Well, I’ve had a day trip to the Isle of Wight, and once I said ‘allo ‘allo to that nice Mr Wenker.
Well, G., old buddy, I suppose you may want up to 24 hours to make up your mind. Send me a contract soon, me ole mate, with full details of pay, pension, perks, travel allowance, Tesco Loyalty points, Luncheon Vouchers, second home and re-location expenses, private education for the kids, private health insurance, West End Show tickets, bonuses for narrow defeats, and please could you chuck in a bus pass?
Yours sincerely
Norman Warne.
P.S. Could you let me know if any of the current England players, by any chance, has a car he isn’t using – mine is clapped out.